Glasgow does things differently to other cities: for example, when it was agreed that Glasgow really needed a bypass to relieve the ever-growing traffic problem, they built it right through the middle of the city. The same inspired approach to transport can be seen in Glasgow’s underground railway system, which shuts before the pubs do on weeknights and closes at 6pm on Sundays. I’m not kidding.

I’m not entirely sure why the subway can’t open longer – is it skinflint management? Stroppy workers? Both? – but it’s part of the reason why the city centre is so scary at night: on average 70,000 people descend on Glasgow city centre at weekends, and there’s sod-all public transport to take them home again. As you’d expect, it’s even worse during the festive season. So here’s what Glasgow’s come up with:

GLASGOW – Hey, subway drivers! Can you work later over the festive season?

SUBWAY DRIVERS – Piss off.

GLASGOW – Hey, subway management! Can you do anything to solve this?

SUBWAY MANAGEMENT – Yes!

GLASGOW – What?

SUBWAY MANAGEMENT – We’ll run buses!

GLASGOW – Eh?

SUBWAY MANAGEMENT – Yes! Buses, which will run to all the subway stations! Which will be closed!

GLASGOW – Er, okay. I suppose it’s better than nothing. We’re going to be really busy this Christmas.

SUBWAY MANAGEMENT – Yes! It’s the best solution!

GLASGOW – So when will the festive service start?

SUBWAY MANAGEMENT – March!

GLASGOW – What?

SUBWAY MANAGEMENT – Yes! March! Maybe!