Illegal downloading and Adele

Simon at No Rock’n'Roll Fun has written a typically excellent piece about the BPI’s latest sales figures.

Despite all this “chronic” piracy going on, Adele’s album has sold more copies in a year than any album has ever sold. More than a Michael Jackson album managed in a year, even the good one. More than a Beatles album ever managed to whisk out the shops in twelve months. More, even, than the third Charlatans album sold in a year.

So, how come Adele’s album was not only immune to the chronic piracy, but thrived in a world so stricken? Had there been secret umlauts sewn into the hemlines of the choruses, rendering it impossible to torrent?

Were any of the many pirate-busting measures deployed? Did the pre-release circulate solely on a tape glued into a Walkman? Was every copy watermarked? Did a fleet of fake files get launched onto the internet to foil downloaders? Did Derren Brown hypnotise the world so that if they typed ‘Adele 21 free’ into Google they’d die?

Nope. The success of Adele’s album seems to be nothing to do with avoiding piracy, and more to do with sticking out an album that people liked and wanted to buy.

Worth remembering the next time you see the entertainment industry demanding new laws and filtering to fight the menace of piracy.ikoni

Odds and sods

Blimey. Is it 2012 already? A few odds and sods:

* I didn’t get as much reading done over the holiday period as I’d planned, but I still managed to devour Ray Banks’ Dead Money, RJ Ellory’s Bad Signs and Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman. They’re ace, gory and hilarious respectively.

* One of my favourite bands, The 4 of Us, did a really nice thing over Christmas: they packaged up their long-lost album Amplifier, remastered it and gave it away free to fans on their website and Facebook.

* I sold several ebooks over the last few weeks. I racked up my 1,900th sale of Coffin Dodgers this afternoon.

* Amazon UK’s meddling with VAT, if you’re interested in such things: it now applies 3% VAT to ebooks sold in the EU, not the 15-odd-percent it applied previously. When you’re selling books at 99p apiece, that’s a welcome development.

* It’s overkill for musical fiddling, but I remain utterly convinced that Apple’s Logic Pro music software is one of the best things since sliced bread. I’ve no idea how half of it works, but the half I do know is superb.

* The recipe for Bristol Dressed Pork in Jamie’s Great Britain is superb. And I don’t even like pork.

* I am heartily sick of “You’ve got an iPad! Buy our app!” ads appearing over websites I’m trying to read.

* Also, Facebook intercepting newspaper links and trying to make me install the newspaper’s app.

* Private Eye: The First 50 Years is a great coffee table book. Provided you’re interested in Private Eye, that is.

* And, er, that’s it.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everybody. I hope that Santa’s kind, that your relatives aren’t too annoying and that you have a very happy 2012.

1,500 ebook sales

I sold my 1,500th ebook today – it wasn’t the 1,500th copy of Coffin Dodgers (that’ll happen later tonight), but I’m delighted all the same.

I made another ebook – non-fiction, this time

I know what you’re thinking. “Man, if only Gary did more blog posts in which he tried to flog his bloody ebooks!” Well, have I got a happy surprise for you!

Bring Me The Head of Mark Zuckerberg is a new ebook by yours truly, and it’s available right now from – yes! – Amazon UK and Amazon US. This one’s non-fiction: it’s a collection of various tech pieces I’ve written in recent years, some of which are funny and some of which aren’t. Hopefully we’ll all agree on which ones are which.

Ready for some blurb? Let’s go!

Things move fast in technology. In 1998 Google was still in a garage, Microsoft ruled the world and the internet was made of wood. iPods, YouTube and Facebook were years away. Phones were rubbish, getting online cost a fortune and Gary Marshall tried to convince the readers of .net magazine that the Hitler Diaries had been written by a small dog. 

Luckily for him, the dog didn’t sue. 

Gary Marshall has been writing about technology like a pixelated PJ O’Rourke since 1998. In this collection of tech journalism from titles including .net, PC Plus, Techradar.com and Official Windows Magazine Gary picks through the PR nonsense, inflated claims and the reality distortion fields of the tech industry to concentrate on the big issues – issues such as, “does Google’s Eric Schmidt really own a coat made of human skin?”, “just how evil does Facebook need to become before people stop using it?” and “why are we being chased around the internet by adverts for horrible shirts?”

As ever, comments, Amazon reviews and offers of six-figure book deals would be very much appreciated.

A brief review of the stupidly expensive SuperDarts headphones from Atomic Floyd

Part 1: Thoughts on listening to music with Atomic Floyd’s SuperDarts 

Shit, I’ve just wasted the best part of £200 in Amazon vouchers. They sound okay, but you don’t spend that much money for something to be okay.

Part 2: Thoughts on listening to music with Atomic Floyd’s SuperDarts after turning the volume right up

HOLY FUCK!

Yes, they’re stupidly expensive, but the sound is really quite extraordinary. They were recommended by my Techradar colleague James Rivington, who reviewed them here. I think he quite liked them.

Tabloid-fuelled Twitter hate

The parents of missing child Madeleine McCann appeared at the Levenson inquiry into newspapers’ bad behaviour yesterday, and Twitter proved beyond doubt that it’s the original story, not the retraction, that many people remember. As the McCanns described some extraordinarily evil behaviour by newspapers and their hired help, all kinds of apparently respectable people posted all kinds of appalling allegations on Twitter. Where did they get such ideas? The Guardian’s Esther Addley knows:

Kate and Gerry McCann… do not appear to be afraid of the press. What, after all, is it going to do to them? Accuse them of killing their three-year-old daughter Madeleine and transporting her corpse in their hire car? They’ve done that already, many times over. Report that they were undergoing IVF to get a “new” child to “replace” Madeleine? Done that too.

Suggest they were taking part in orgies and swingers’ parties? That they had kept Madeleine’s body in their freezer after murdering her? That they had sold their daughter into slavery to pay off family debts? They’ve seen it all before. Each one of those allegations appeared in a British newspaper in the months after this ordinary couple from rural Leicestershire became the victims of the most terrible crime any parent can imagine, the kidnap of their child.

I’m no fan of media regulation, but you can’t read that and think “yes! Self-regulation and the Press Complaints Council really does work!”

1,000 copies of Coffin Dodgers

A wee milestone: Coffin Dodgers just sold its 1,000th copy, and to gladden my heart further it’s just outside the humour top ten (it’s number 12) and number 440 in the UK Kindle Store. The charts are updated hourly, but the book has been in or around the humour top 20 for more than a week now. As ever, I’m very grateful to everyone who’s said nice things about it or recommended it to anybody else.

I’d love to say I’ve learnt some really important lessons about publishing, but I haven’t. I’ve noticed a few things, though.

* First and foremost, ebooks don’t follow the “big splash then slow decline” sales model: my sales appear to be accelerating. In its first month Coffin Dodgers sold 89 copies; so far this month I’ve sold 260. That’s happening without my involvement, so I’m assuming there’s a positive feedback loop where Amazon spots books that are doing reasonably well and recommends them to readers.

* People don’t read free samples. That might be a side-effect of 99p pricing – people think “oh, what the hell”, because 99p isn’t very much – but it’s clear that people aren’t going “new author, eh? I’ll download the free sample to see if I like it” before hitting the buy button. I’ve had a few refunds and at least one one-star rating on Goodreads.com, which I’m not going to obsess about. Oh no. (For what it’s worth, the total number of refunds is about six, which isn’t a lot.)

* One star. One! No explanation. Just one star. One!

* Amazon’s Kindle is where it’s at: it’s to books what iTunes is to music. Last month I sold 272 books on Amazon UK, 3 on Amazon US, 3 via Smashwords and one via Apple. The difference might be sheer luck – maybe iTunes would show the same feedback loop as Amazon if I’d sold more there – but for now at least, you could concentrate solely on the Kindle without losing much sleep or many sales. It’ll be interesting to see if that changes now that the Kobo reader is selling in WH Smith.

* As I’ve mentioned before, pricing is key when nobody knows who you are. Whether you like it or not, 99p is the price people expect to pay for ebooks from unknown authors. If your objective is to be read – and mine is – then pricing higher is probably counter productive.

* One!

* This isn’t a living. Assuming sales of 300 copies a month, which is pretty good, that’s around £90 in royalties per month – it’ll keep you in Moleskines, but it won’t pay the mortgage. What it does do, I think, is prove that no matter how niche your book, it’ll find an audience. And it encourages you to write more by flattering your ego, and by making you think things such as “okay, one book doing 300 a month is ninety quid, but if I had ten books doing that…”

* I really need to get my arse in gear with my other books. A non-fiction one is imminent, and I’m swithering between two fiction titles: one’s a sequel to Coffin Dodgers and the other one isn’t. Time to commit, I think. Or two write two books simultaneously.

“EU says water is not healthy”, says made-up man

The Express:

EU SAYS WATER IS NOT HEALTHY

In a scarcely believable ­ruling, a panel of experts threw out a claim that regular water consumption is the best way to rehydrate the body.

The bizarre diktat from Brussels has far-reaching implications for member states, including Britain, as no water sold in the EU can now claim to protect against dehydration.

Any producer breaching the order, signed by European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso, faces being jailed for up to two years.

The Guardian:

This isn’t really a rule so much as a piece of advice, which member states are free to interpret as they wish… The claim wasn’t submitted for a genuine product, but was created as a deliberate ‘test’ exercise by the two professors, who were apparently already unhappy with the European Food Standards Authority. The panel were well aware of it’s absurdity too, noting drily that “the proposed risk factors,” the conditions addressed by the hypothetical product, in this case water loss, “are measures or water depletion and thus are measures of the disease (dehydration).”

Executive summary: the EFSA decided to be pedantic, and point out that water alone doesn’t prevent dehydration; you need sufficient water, as well as various other odds and sods such as salt.

The Guardian, again:

So the ruling seems pretty sensible to me, or at least as sensible as a ruling can be when the claim being tested is vexatious in the first place. It’s accurate advice, and it prevents companies selling bottled water from making exaggerated claims for their products, which is a good thing.

Comment on the Express article:

This must be the same group of so called scientist that made the false claim that man and CO2 is causing global warming. No wonder no body has any respect for science anymore.

Modern Warfare 3: “all the way up the bombast-o-meter”

John Walker is always worth reading, and his review of Modern Warfare 3′s singleplayer campaign is just superb.

Videogames often allow us to live out fantasies, to be who we could never be with our saggy, regular-person frames and lives. A soldier fighting in a near-future war, with access to the finest in military hardware? Maybe I could be the squad leader? Maybe I could be the hero? Maybe I could be the one who’s allowed to open doors? But no, of course not, you are – as ever – the grunt, being barked at throughout, forced to do whatever the game/game characters tell you to, which is usually to sweep up after them and the party they’re having in front.

It fascinates me that this is the successful formula, the secret behind being the biggest FPS series of all time.