I bought some habanero chillies the other day. Here’s how you’re supposed to prepare them.

* Cut them open
* De-seed them
* Toast them
* Soak them in just-boiled water

Here’s how I prepared them.

* Cut them open
* De-seed them
* Watch with mild interest as clouds of smoke come from the chillies in the pan
* Stand in the kitchen, coughing like I’ve got late-stage tuberculosis
* Turn the cooker hood on full blast
* Career around the kitchen, coughing and weeping
* Blink away the tears as my wife enters, clutching her throat and panicking that she’s having some kind of horrific allergic reaction
* Open the back door in a desperate attempt to dispel the fumes
* Soak the chillies in just-boiled water
* Wonder if I’ll ever be able to speak again
* Eat!

There’s such a thin line between “making lunch” and “suffering a chemical attack”.