Jacqui Smith is scrapping the uber-database that would monitor everything we do online. Isn’t she?

In an unexpected press conference yesterday, Doctor Evil admitted that his unpopular plans for “sharks with frickin’ laser beams” were “extreme” and too expensive, so the entire programme is being scrapped.

However, when journalists examined the details of the policy, they discovered that Doctor Evil’s programme is still going ahead.

Sharks are still being fitted with laser beams, but Doctor Evil has renamed the beams as “big torches.”