It’s amazing the crap that sticks in your head

One of the people I follow on Twitter had a problem the other day: he needed to shave, but his shaving foam had been confiscated by airport security and nothing nearby was open. Any ideas? I did: somewhere in the back of my brain I knew, probably from a novel or a worthy newspaper piece, that you could use hair conditioner. It’s all about lubricating the blade, you see. He tried it, it worked, and that’s the end of a not particularly interesting story.

But it got me wondering, what mad crap is hanging around in your head? I mean mad crap of the Top Tips variety, such as “if you’ve got three old toilet rolls and some duct tape, you can MAKE A TANK!” or “you can get red wine out of a tablecloth by rubbing a small labrador against it” rather than voices telling you to kill people.

20 replies on “It’s amazing the crap that sticks in your head”

If you’re stranded in the wilderness without antiseptic and get any sort of open wound, you should piss on it. Urine kills bacteria.

To remove a mark from fabric, you should rub it with the same fabric (as well as, not instead of, using whatever cleaning solution you’re using).

When you move some furniture and you’re left with little flattened bits of carpet where its legs were standing, leave ice cubes on those flattened bits to revitalise the carpet.

Ice cubes also good for watering pot plants whose soil has badly dried out. Water just drains straight through overly dry soil without really hydrating it, but ice cubes will sit on the top and rehydrate it gradually.

According to Spike Milligan’s war memoirs, pissing in your boots and leaving them full overnight prevents blisters when you go marching for miles in them the next morning.

> You know a worrying amount about wee.

I was thinking the same thing. I know I know loads of stuff about non-urine-related topics, but, for some reason, right now, I just can’t think of any of it.

Did you see the one where Bear Grylls was wandering through the desert blind because he’d been stung by a hive of wasps, and then to hydrate himself he killed a snake, peed into its skin, and drank out of the snakeskin?

And you’re thinking, what poor b*****d got the job as his cameraman? How was work today, honey? Aw, it was great. That fud stuck his head into a wasp nest and drank his ain pish.

It wasn’t Stuart Maconie, was it? He was talking about that very thing on the radio the other day. He was asking for listeners to phone in with similar tips, as long as it didn’t descend into Viz-style antics (“an upturned hairbrush makes an ideal bed of nails for a hamster”).

“…rubbing a small labrador will get red wine out of a tablecloth.”

Now, I know it won’t actually, so any ideas how to cheer up a pissed off labrador?

>>Plug your ears while drinking a glass of water to cure the hiccups-

I’d forgotten that one. It is bloody effective. Best thing is to hold your own nose and get someone to stick their fingers in your ears.

I find drinking water from the other side of the glass is the most effective cure. Always good for a laugh, too, when you tell someone about it and they try turning the glass around, as if that might actually work.

I have no idea whether it’s any more effective if you drink piss instead of water.

Is it true that dogs licking a wound can help heal it faster? My brain says no, having seen where Megan sticks her face.

Google is your friend. There is a compound called Histatin in saliva that they reckon can accelerate healing. This is dogs and humans.

There is a theory that the reason we have such virulent bacteria in our mouths is to fight off any other bacteria that try to get in that way. Which is why where Megan sticks her face would be largely irrelevant.

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