The supermarkets are full from 8am, pensioners are stealing turkeys from each other’s trolleys, and people are reacting entirely rationally to the two-day closure of the shops by buying a year’s supply of absolutely everything. What joy!

There was a particularly nice example of Xmas spirit in the supermarket earlier. A woman was packing her groceries, and as she did so, the man on the checkout was asking her the usual stuff – whether she was having a big Christmas or a quiet one, that sort of thing. Which prompted the next woman in the queue (best described using the scots phrase “torn-faced boot”) to yell at the checkout man. She didn’t have time for this, apparently, and shot dirty looks at both customer and checkout man until the transaction was completed. What a lovely way to start the day.

If I were the checkout man I’d have deliberately mucked up torn-face’s payment and shouted “DECLINED!” at the top of my voice, or rubbed her card on the magnetic security thing that eats credit cards, or smacked her in the chops with a frozen turkey, or bounced a few tins of beans off her head. So it’s probably for the best that I don’t work in retail.

Anyway, I hope you’re all organised for Christmas, that you have a wonderful time, that Santa’s good to you and that you don’t have to be within 100 miles of dour-faced buggers like auld torn-face. And if you do have to spend Christmas with dour-faced buggers like auld torn-face, why not kill them?

Merry Christmas, everyone.