The Martian Death Flu survival kit

Martian Death Flu – or, as it’s known to women, “the cold” – is a rubbish thing to have, especially when you work in a creative job: you’re ill enough that your brain turns to cheese, preventing you from doing any work, but you’re not ill enough to get any sympathy whatsoever. So here’s what you need to fix it.


The second-greatest cough medicine in the world is so effective that if you take too much, you’ll end up coughing up your own legs. I say the second greatest because Co-Op chesty cough linctus is even more effective, but it tastes like death.

Cold and Flu tablets

Decongestant, paracetamol and caffeine in one alarmingly orange tablet. Isn’t living in the 21st Century brilliant?

Vicks Vapo-rub

It’s easier and cheaper than divorce, and if you’re easily amused you can pretend you’re in an early 90s rave band. If you don’t want to spend the night sleeping on the sofa, cover yourself from head to foot in this stuff before tootling off to bed.

Good brandy

With the emphasis on “good”, because cheap brandy will give you a nasty hangover without any of the benefits. Good brandy clears the pipes and gets you quite spectacularly pissed to boot.