Minor irritations

* Inbound sales calls that say “we’re with X firm” and want to talk about my mobile phone upgrade/the end of my warranty on whatever. You’re bloody liars. You’re a third party and you’ve been given my details by Orange/Sky/whoever despite my careful ticking of the opt-out boxes on absolutely everything. I’d complain to all kinds of people if I weren’t so busy. Gaaaah.

* Glamorous by Fergie, the hard-faced one out of Black Eyed Peas. Most of her solo stuff is annoying, but this one’s even more so because I keep thinking she’s nicked the chorus from “tropical iceland” (might not be the right title) by indie band Fiery Furnaces. Maybe she has.

* Online shops that hate customers. To cut a very long story short I’ve been waiting two weeks now for a next day delivery. I called at the weekend (it’s a big shop as well as an online one) and everybody who deals with internet sales was off, so they’d get someone to call me. No call. Called the helpline, and a recorded message told me to piss off (“All enquiries must be by email”). Checked the website, which provides 342 different email addresses and states that if you don’t use the correct one for your enquiry, you can piss off. Used the right one. No reply so far. I wouldn’t mind if they DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE MY SODDING MONEY.

* Co-codamol. It’s shit! What’s the point of a painkiller that has no effect on pain? Handy hint: supermarket own-brand painkillers rock. Especially the paracetamol/aspirin dual-drug ones. Although they probably rot your insides.

* Mobile phone bills. How is it possible that you can have an all-inclusive bundle of minutes each month that covers every eventuality, yet when you get the bill every call you make isn’t included in that bundle? People have gone stark staring mad trying to decipher mobile phone terms and conditions.

* The “pearl” bit of the Blackberry Pearl. Incoming call – answer or ignore? Answer! Arse! It bloody scrolled and hit ignore! This happens every single time.

* Pretty much everything else on the planet, really.