[Quick recap: my eBay account was compromised by villains; eBay spotted and spanked them, but forgot to credit the fees they’d run up. Many emails ensued, and most recently eBay promised to refund the fees and said “don’t worry, we don’t expect you to pay these fees”.]

INT. A CRAMPED HOME OFFICE – DAY

Gary is slumped in front of his Mac, trying to find a few good jokes for a feature. The phone rings.

GARY
Hello?

VOICE:
Hello? Could I speak to Gary Marshall please?

GARY:
Speaking.

VOICE:
Mr Marshall, I’m from The Big Scary Debt Collector Company.

GARY sighs.

VOICE:
You owe eBay money. Pay now or we’ll break your legs.

Not exactly a surprise, but still – extremely annoying. I explained the situation and now, I need to wait for a letter from the Big Scary Debt Collector Company. When it turns up I need to enclose copies of my correspondence with eBay, and the Big Scary Debt Collector Company will then refer the account back to eBay with, I hope, an explanatory note including the words “you”, “incompetent” and “bastards”.