From time to time, journalists encounter a big problem: you pitch a daft idea, the editor loves it, you get commissioned to do it… and you realise with a sinking feeling that it was a really rubbish idea that isn’t anywhere near as funny as it seemed when you first thought of it, but now you’ve persuaded the editor it’s a good idea you have to go through with it. Clearly calendar creators have a similar problem, judging by the promotional calendar my milkman left with the morning’s delivery.

You can see the thought processes: it’s for a milk firm, so cows need to be involved. So far, so good. But the calendar creator’s taken it too far, because he or she has decided that one theme isn’t enough. No, it’s not just a calendar with a cow theme – it’s a calendar with a cow theme *and* a James Bond theme! The idea accepted, the poor calendar creator now has to come up with a dozen cow-and-Bond jokes – but unfortunately there aren’t twelve such jokes.

It starts well enough: I snickered at “Dr. Moo” and laughed out loud at “Mooooooooonraker”. But as the months progress, the jokes get worse and the desperation of the calendar creator becomes apparent. “Licence to milk”? “The man with the golden churn”? By Autumn, it’s clear that the creator has given up, and the best he or she can come up with is “Live and Let Moo”.

Worst of all, though, is December. The supply of genuinely funny cow-and-Bond jokes has long since dried up, but there’s one month still to go. “Milk another day” doesn’t make the grade, nor does “Never Say Udders Again”. Cursing the commission, the calendar creator sighs, writes “Creamo Royale”, and vows never to say cow-themed again.