The Guardian devotes page 3 to a story about Coldplay writing a theme song for the Conservatives. The back page carries a full page ad explaining a new service that enables you to scan your Nectar card with your mouse. Inside, BMW announces new pixel paint that makes your car look blurry to anti-dawdling speed cameras.

God, I hate April Fools.

It’s not that I’m scared of falling for a fake news story, or of embarrassing myself by phoning BMW to enquire about their pixel paint. It’s that mostly, the spoofs aren’t funny. Vaguely amusing ideas are stretched to breaking point, mangled until every last bit of comedy has been squeezed out. It’s a collective sense of humour failure, the print equivalent of the pub bore who tells you the world’s least funny joke and then howls with laughter until you stab him in the eyes with a sharpened cocktail stirrer. It’s this bloke: