With most junk email, the selling point is pretty obvious: particular types of adult images, or treatments for embarrassing conditions, or whatever. But two spams in the last few days have baffled me. The first:

Let’s assume the claims are real and the tablets are too (which isn’t likely). Why on earth would you want a 36-hour erection? I’ve heard of such things happening via illegal drugs use, and the story always ends in a hospital. And it’d put you off your work, stop you sleeping and I suspect, get you thrown out of Marks and Spencer.

The second one, on a similar note:

Increase volume by 500%. Cover her if you want.

Swiftly moving on from the question of why you’d want to “cover her”, 500% isn’t very spectacular: the average male ejaculation is between 2 and 5 millilitres, so if you increase your volume by 500% then you’ll get between 10 and 50 millilitres. That’s about 5 teaspoons, so if your desire really is to “cover her” then you’ll not only need the tablets; you’ll also need a very, very, very diminutive partner.

You’d never guess that I’m bored and waiting for a bunch of work emails to arrive, would you?