Things I have learnt while lying on the sofa recovering from back surgery

In no particular order:

* When you see GQ magazine in the newsagent, you immediately forget that the last issue was rubbish and buy the current issue because it looks interesting. So you take it home and… it’s rubbish!

* Women’s magazines are much more interesting than men’s magazines. This month’s GQ? A man ranting about dogshit and a short piece about the Fleshbot porn blog. This week’s R? Sleepwalking women strangling their husbands and the truth about lesbian prison sex. Yay!

* If the games industry wants to be taken seriously it really needs to spend money on writers and voice talent. I’ve been watching the cutscenes in various games from behind my fingers – they’re more horrific than any of the monsters in Doom 3.

* Stuff magazine is the publishing equivalent of junk food: you read it, and 10 seconds afterwards you can’t remember a single thing about it.

* Giving up the Internet is harder than giving up smoking.

* Two weeks on a sofa seems like the perfect opportunity to stop smoking. It isn’t.

* The importance of mail is inversely proportional to the noise it makes coming through your letterbox. If its landing on your doormat makes the ceiling collapse, it’s a special offer from Tesco World of Wine. If it floats through the air in silence, it’s probably the most important message in the history of the world.

* Planning a kitchen on graph paper while lying down is difficult, but not impossible.

* When you say that you’ll use your two weeks off to work on your novel, you won’t work on your novel. That’s because you have internet access.

* Burning TV shows to DVD takes four to six times as long as you think it will, and the burn process will crash the instant you leave the room.

* There is nothing, absolutely nothing, worth watching on daytime television.