There’s an interesting discussion on Plastic about the irritations of modern life: pizza places where the smallest pizza is called the “medium”, cyclists and so on. As rampant negativity is always good fun (and I’m in a particularly foul mood), I thought I’d start my own wee enemies list. Your contributions, as ever, are welcome :)
* Coffee machines that lie. My coffee maker’s jug says there are ten cups of coffee. So why, then, does it only fill my Spider-Man 2 mug (you’re jealous, I can tell) twice?
* Evangelists. Not the religious type (although I hate them too), but evangelists for X band, or Y operating system, or whatever. “Yeah but OK maybe Apple did kill your entire family but at least they’re not Micro$oft!”
* People who write Micro$oft when they’re not taking the piss out of people who write Micro$oft.
* Supermarkets. I want Rowats pickled onions, not Tesco Value, Tesco Finest or Tesco We’ve Stopped Selling Rowats Ner Ner Ner onions, but can I find any? No. Bastards.
* Other people’s stereos. Why is it that when someone next door plays loud music, it’s never, ever, ever something you like?
* People who sit in the pub and play every sodding ringtone to their friends.
* Everyone at Jamster.
* People who send text messages to get answers to pub quizzes. Use a GPRS connection and Google it, you daft twats!
* Press releases where the words “press release” are the only bits I understand.
* Junk mail, junk email, cold callers, charity muggers, chain letters, hoax virus warnings…
* Leaflets in magazines. Not the ones you shake out in the supermarket – they’re fine – but the ones that live in a hidden compartment inside the magazine. Exactly two minutes after you relax in the bath and start reading, the secret compartment opens and ten tons of dead tree lands on your knackers.
* People who have the Nokia Tune as their “new text message” sound. Particularly if it’s at full volume.
* People who adopt the “if I pretend I can’t see him, he’s not allowed to run me over” approach when walking out in front of fast-moving cars.
* People in doorways. Not big issue sellers, or beggars, but the people who decide that the doorway of a shop is the perfect place to stop dead and have a conversation with their (real or imaginary) friend.
* Hangup calls on my answering machine. Leave a message!
* Xbox games that don’t let you save your progress, kill you for no apparent reason and then send you back to a part of the game you completed days before.
* Psychic reviewers on Amazon.com reviewing games, albums and books that haven’t even been started, let alone released.
Gaaah, I’m getting angry now. More later, I’m sure…