I’m not a fan of “forward this” questionnaires – for several years my email address was printed in various national magazines and as a result, I seem to be on every email forwarding list in Britain – but I’ll make an exception for this one, partly because Squander Two asked me to do it, and partly because I liked it.

You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey. It’s a collection of surreal one- or two-liners and makes me laugh like a drain. Plus, it’s short – which is handy given that I’d have to memorise it.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Not in books, no. But if TV counts, then… Dr Susan Lewis from ER. Smart, funny, attracted to – yes! – tall baldy speccy blokes. And she was in NYPD Blue too. Woo-hoo! And she’s in this advert!

*mind wanders*

*remembers that my wife reads this*

Of course, that was a very long time ago. Yes.

The last book you bought:

For myself? Er… The Promise of Happiness, by Justin Cartwright. Haven’t read it yet but I can tell you that it’s £3.60 in Asda.

The last book you read:

The Time Traveler’s Wife. Can’t remember who wrote it and can’t be bothered Googling. It was good quirky fun and had my wife in floods of tears at the end. This year’s Lovely Bones, apparently.

What are you currently reading?

In The Time of our Singing by Richard Powers. An epic novel that traces the lives of three mixed-race kids in America. Fantastic stuff but it’s taken me forever to get through.

Five books you would take to a desert island

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, because if i’m trapped on a desert island I might be able to finish the damn thing.

Does “everything Kurt Vonnegut has ever written” count as one selection? It should.

Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. Only kidding.

James Ellroy’s LA Quartet (LA Confidential, etc). Vicious, hypnotic and utterly addictive.

Robert Crais’s Elvis Cole novels, because they make me laugh.

And something by Tim Dorsey, for the same reason.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

I’m not going to pass it to anyone, because of my antipathy towards such things. But if I was the sort of person who did forward such things, I’d mail it to Gusto, Ms.Mac and Prof. Batty.