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I may be small. I may be sweet. But baby, I know how to move my feet

If the headline doesn’t mean anything to you, you’ve been spared the horrors of UK satellite television, where mobile phone ringtone firm Jamster is attempting to drive the entire country insane. The headline comes from a song performed by Sweety The Chick, a cartoon character that’s designed to be cute:

The song starts off quietly, with Sweety making bashful eyes at the camera; it then goes mental in a horrific lo-fi Eurodance style, with the melody approaching frequencies that are only audible to dogs. And thanks to the frequency and repetition of satellite TV advertising, the little bastard’s on my TV every ten seconds.

Sweety is the successor to Crazy Frog, a rather alarming looking cartoon frog that mimed to an old internet joke (remember the idiot test, where you saw a picture of a racing car and then heard a child making car noises? It’s that one) and which again was on TV every few seconds. I’m ashamed to say that a friend of mine has Crazy Frog as the ringtone on his phone, and as a result I’m never going to speak to him again. He should consider that a lucky escape, because whenever I hear Crazy Frog I want to start smashing things with hammers.

I don’t want to smash Sweety with hammers, though. No – I want to stab the little bastard with knives, boil him in oil, set him on fire, cut him into little pieces, set him on fire again, rub his face in a cheese grater, cover him in acid, jump up and down repeatedly on his head, cut him into even more little pieces, set fire to the pieces, and then fire him into space through a giant cannon. And once I’ve done that, I want to track down each and every employee of Jamster, lock them in tiny boxes and fill the boxes with itching powder, ground glass and maggots while the Sweety Song plays at earth-shattering volume through headphones I’ve nailed to their heads.

Nah, you’re right. That’s not nearly enough punishment. I’ll ponder this some more.