I may be small. I may be sweet. But baby, I know how to move my feet

If the headline doesn’t mean anything to you, you’ve been spared the horrors of UK satellite television, where mobile phone ringtone firm Jamster is attempting to drive the entire country insane. The headline comes from a song performed by Sweety The Chick, a cartoon character that’s designed to be cute:

The song starts off quietly, with Sweety making bashful eyes at the camera; it then goes mental in a horrific lo-fi Eurodance style, with the melody approaching frequencies that are only audible to dogs. And thanks to the frequency and repetition of satellite TV advertising, the little bastard’s on my TV every ten seconds.

Sweety is the successor to Crazy Frog, a rather alarming looking cartoon frog that mimed to an old internet joke (remember the idiot test, where you saw a picture of a racing car and then heard a child making car noises? It’s that one) and which again was on TV every few seconds. I’m ashamed to say that a friend of mine has Crazy Frog as the ringtone on his phone, and as a result I’m never going to speak to him again. He should consider that a lucky escape, because whenever I hear Crazy Frog I want to start smashing things with hammers.

I don’t want to smash Sweety with hammers, though. No – I want to stab the little bastard with knives, boil him in oil, set him on fire, cut him into little pieces, set him on fire again, rub his face in a cheese grater, cover him in acid, jump up and down repeatedly on his head, cut him into even more little pieces, set fire to the pieces, and then fire him into space through a giant cannon. And once I’ve done that, I want to track down each and every employee of Jamster, lock them in tiny boxes and fill the boxes with itching powder, ground glass and maggots while the Sweety Song plays at earth-shattering volume through headphones I’ve nailed to their heads.

Nah, you’re right. That’s not nearly enough punishment. I’ll ponder this some more.





0 responses to “I may be small. I may be sweet. But baby, I know how to move my feet”

  1. Weird thing about the Crazy Frog adverts: the Crazy Frog had genitals. Very unusal for a cartoon character, that. And, combined with the character’s other attributes and lack of trousers, really alarming.

  2. david

    The amphibinads (for want of a better term) are now censored out during daytime.

    I have to admit that I quite like the picture of sweety but after it starts singing I want it to die. There is an even worse one that I think is a pig farting.

    I was thinking about this earlier (since I have no life) and I wonder how long this industry has to go. With the increased market share of symbian and ms smartphones which can use anything you see/hear on the web and an increasing number of phones (including nokia – the biggest target market of this pish) allowing you to do the transfer from your PC on their new mid-range models there is a diminishing market for a charged service. This industry came out of nothing (surprising even the most switched on economists) but I doubt it has a lifespan longer than a year or two.

  3. Norman Lamont

    If you don’t like it, Gary, say so, don’t beat around the bush.

  4. monica


  5. Pinky

    I think that if you dont like sweety the chick then u r aload of freakz!I think that sweety the chick is really sweet. So for all you freakz out there love him dont h8 him. Whereas for The ‘crazy frog’ is funny but very rude! The hippo is cool!

  6. Mike

    Been plagued by Jamster’s Sweety ad in the US for months and months now. It’s horrible, at first it ran at least 3 times during each commercial break. It’s awful

    If it hasn’t already–the Jamster ad campaign gets worse. Wait until the “Bling Queen” wall paper ads start showing up. Geez….

  7. kev

    why the hell would anyone pay for this?? its the most annoying tune ever!! i thought the frog was bad at first, but then they brought out remixes!! REMIXES!!! for a fucking ringtone!! keep ur phones on vibrate or with a low pitched tone FFS!! if ya like the stupid bird and perverted frog then DL an mp3 and listen to it whenever u want, but not as a ringtone so everyone can get irritated by it! normal ringtones were bad at first but its just getting worse. on the bus the other day i had 2 schoolgirls sitting up the back ringing EACH OTHERS phone just to hear the same yellow bird singing on their phones!! they must of done it about 10 times, did they think it would sound different on their own phones?? fuck knows. the only difference i noticed was it getting more annoying each time! stamp on the bird and decapitate the frog!!!

  8. Gary

    Kev, I like your style.

  9. Anonymous

    Did you know you can buy sweety (or Chicken Charlie) on single singing a whole song of 3.42. Also with another song- Don’t Eat Me (Eat Lamb) ;)

  10. Alex

    Die Frog, Die Chicken and Die all other stupid ringtones.