I have the internet in my pants

No, really. I do. And when I say “pants”, I don’t mean “pants” in an American “I know they’re trousers, but I’ll call them pants” way*. I mean pants, as in underpants. Although when I say “the internet”, I mean “a web address”.

No, not a dodgy web address. The manufacturer’s web site.

I have to admit, I’m confused by this. I understand manufacturers’ need to get their web address onto every conceivable surface, but to embroider a URL into your pants? Fair enough if it were on the outside of the pants – while it’s not a look I go for myself, I understand that The Kids prefer to wear jeans that expose their pants to a cold, cruel world – but it isn’t. The URL is printed on the inside of the pants, not the outside. And to make sure that I don’t miss it, it’s repeated all the way around the inside of the waistband.

What I’m trying to understand here is why the manufacturer felt the need to put its URL inside my pants (and presumably – although I haven’t researched this – inside the pants of all their other customers). Is it promotion? Then they’ve put it in a silly place, because the only time someone other than the owner of said pants is likely to see the URL is in an intimate moment, and if that’s the case the last thing you want them to be thinking about is a web site full of pants – or worse, for them to interrupt proceedings to go and look at a web site full of pants.

Is it as a reminder? “Ooh, I’ve put on weight, I need to buy bigger pants – but I don’t know where to go! Ooh! Wait a minute!”

Is it for more information? “I’m really enjoying these pants, but I feel that I could enjoy them more. If only I could find out about the manufacturing process and the exact make-up of the fibres!”

Or is it to make me feel sexy? “I have a URL in my pants and I feel slinky!

Probably not. I suspect that, like many things in the modern world, the manufacturer has embroidered its URL in my pants because it thinks that if you don’t have a web address, you might as well not exist – and it’s hidden the URL because nobody in their right mind wants pants with a sodding great hyperlink printed on them. So in one fell swoop the firm has created not just pants, but e-pants; and as we all know, e-anything is better than the old, dull, non-internet version.

They aren’t just pants, then; they’re techno-pants – and that means my buttocks are living in the future.

* This confuses me too. If Americans’ trousers are pants, what do you call pants? Clearly you can’t call them pants, because then people would think you were talking about trousers, not pants. I suppose you could call them shorts, but if you do, then what name do you use for shorts? Thinking about this is giving me a headache.

12 thoughts on “I have the internet in my pants

  1. Stephen says:

    I can’t really speak for Americans but in my native South Africa we, despite centuries of Bitish imperialism, employ the American usage for the bifurcated leg coverings, ie we call “pants” what you call “trousers”. And what you call “pants” we call “underpants” or (more colloquially) “undies” or “under-rods” (no, really).

  2. david says:

    This has been mentioned before but I once glanced down at my underwear (while on the loo) and noticed that it was made in Egypt. The next day, while wearing different – but extremely similar – undergarments I noticed that they were manufactured in Israel. It struck me that it was a good metaphor for the troubles in the middle-east.

  3. david says:

    Did “pants” not originate from “pantaloons” so therefore pants is incorrect as the trouser is a different garment?

  4. ms. mac says:

    Aussies also say pants when they mean trousers and I’m ashamed to say I have picked up this habit too. Then they call pants things like undies, jocks, durps but interestingly, never knickers.
    I have yet to buy any internet undies but I think I’m quite looking forward to it now. I’m tempted now to make ms. mac undies for my friends’ Christmases….. Place your orders folks!

  5. gusto says:

    I really had no idea when I came to work this morning that we’d be spending the afternoon talking about Gary’s pants. I fear what tomorrow will bring.

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