You know the bit at the beginning of every hospital drama on TV where a bloke does something ordinary, but in a really obviously dangerous and stupid way? That’s me

Me, in PC Plus, writing about building PCs:

As I blundered around the kitchen, wailing, bumping into things, shooting jets of bright red blood all over the cupboards and shouting “WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BLOODY PLASTERS?” it’s safe to say that my wife wasn’t thinking “Ooh! Now that’s sexy!”