Archive for February, 2008
Eels: where’s the bass?
We went to see Eels in Glasgow last night, and while the gig itself was great there were two big problems for me. The first was the “support”, and the second was the giant bass-shaped hole in the loud stuff.
Support first. Like any self-respecting Eels fan I watched the BBC documentary “Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives” (about E’s dad) when it broadcast, and because I was somewhat the worse for wear at the time I watched it again a few days later. So it was a bit gutting to discover that the gig would be preceded by - yes! - “Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives” in full. Projected onto a billowing curtain that was too far forward for the first six rows to see it. I think for a UK tour at least, showing the programme was a bad call.
And then, the bass. Once again Eels are touring without a bassist, and while that’s obviously not a problem when they do stripped-down stuff it leaves a gaping bass-sized hole whenever the drums get going. Purely personal preference, I know, but I find bass-less music sounds really tinny and anaemic.
Good gig despite all that, though.
I am not a freeloading backpacker, says freeloading backpacker
Mark Boyle was a man with a dream. He was so convinced that a world without the evils of money is possible that he set out to walk from Britain to India without spending a penny in order to prove it.
As the report notes:
The former head of an organic food company is part of the Freeconomy movement, which wants to rid the world of money altogether.
Unfortunately he barely made it to mainland Europe. The French weren’t keen on giving Mr Boyle and his companions any freebies. They were cold. They were hungry. They came home again.
According to Mr Boyle:
“Not only did no one…speak the language, they also see us as just a bunch of freeloading backpackers, which is the complete opposite of what the pilgrimage is really about.”
And Gary looked from the news to The Onion, and from The Onion to the news, and from the news to The Onion again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
It’s time for a crackdown on binge drinking… doctors
I’m sure this will be all over blogland, but I’m posting it anyway because it made me laugh.
The BMA, which condemned 24-hour drinking last week and called for higher taxes on alcohol, faces accusations of hypocrisy after complaints of drunken antics at its central London headquarters.
It has emerged that while blaming everyone else for Britain’s binge-drinking culture and demanding a general sobering-up, the BMA wants to stay open for two hours longer, until 1am. Its application to extend its drinking licence has attracted allegations of antisocial behaviour by partygoers.
…residents of nearby homes have complained of the guests “frolicking” on scaffolding outside the building, “urinating” outside neighbouring properties on Tavistock Square and “causing disturbances” in the early hours.
E from Eels writes a letter to The Queen
Her Majesty The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AAJanuary 31st 2008
Your Majesty,
My name is Mark Oliver Everett. My friends call me “E”. I am the singer in an American rock band called Eels. We will be playing a show at your Royal Festival Hall on the evening of February 25th and I would like to extend an invitation for you to attend our performance. We have played the Festival Hall several times and I’ve noticed that your royal box is usually empty. I’d like to change that. We have also played your Queen Elizabeth and Royal Albert Halls. I don’t think you were at those shows either.
I recently saw the movie ‘The Queen’ and while I know that wasn’t actually you in the film, it made me think that I would like you as a person. I’d like you to be one of the people who call me “E”. If you’re free February 25th, please come down to the show. It’s sold out, but I would be happy to put you on the guest list. I also have a new book, ‘Things The Grandchildren Should Know’, and two new compact disc and DVD collections, ‘Meet The Eels’ and ‘Useless Trinkets’. I think you’d enjoy them and I’d be happy to give you complimentary copies of each, which I will even sign for you after the show.
If you’re busy, I understand. But if you can free up your calendar, we’d love to see you there. Thank you for your time, Your Majesty.
Sincerely,
Mark Oliver Everett
aka E
The Martian Death Flu survival kit
Martian Death Flu - or, as it’s known to women, “the cold” - is a rubbish thing to have, especially when you work in a creative job: you’re ill enough that your brain turns to cheese, preventing you from doing any work, but you’re not ill enough to get any sympathy whatsoever. So here’s what you need to fix it.
Covonia
The second-greatest cough medicine in the world is so effective that if you take too much, you’ll end up coughing up your own legs. I say the second greatest because Co-Op chesty cough linctus is even more effective, but it tastes like death.
Cold and Flu tablets
Decongestant, paracetamol and caffeine in one alarmingly orange tablet. Isn’t living in the 21st Century brilliant?
Vicks Vapo-rub
It’s easier and cheaper than divorce, and if you’re easily amused you can pretend you’re in an early 90s rave band. If you don’t want to spend the night sleeping on the sofa, cover yourself from head to foot in this stuff before tootling off to bed.
Good brandy
With the emphasis on “good”, because cheap brandy will give you a nasty hangover without any of the benefits. Good brandy clears the pipes and gets you quite spectacularly pissed to boot.
The rules: crime novel covers
When you’re bouncing a baby around your mind tends to wander, and today was no exception: I found myself staring at the bookcase, which contains far too many crime novels, decoding the visual grammar of the cover designs. I don’t know if there are similar rules to other genres, but there’s definitely a set of rules that apply to crime novels.
Here’s how they work.
The colour scheme
The background must be black or white, and feature a photograph of something normal - some trees, a tenement window, a back street. The photograph should then be treated to make the normal look spooky, so for example if it’s a picture of Glasgow’s Clyde Auditorium (the Armadillo) then it should be enhanced so the sky is in shades of blood-red with the venue in silhouette; if it’s a picture of some trees it should be shot on a really misty morning and desaturated to make it look spooky; if it’s a city street it should be taken with a ridiculously long exposure so car brake lights become a river of red neon; and so on. If you’re a crime novelist and your cover features a bloody knife, bullet holes or the chalk outline of a corpse then your publisher doesn’t see you as a class-A writer; if the cover is largely neon, your publisher sees you as a writer of crime capers rather than serious crime fiction.
The author’s name and title
There’s a simple equation here: if the title is bigger than the writer’s name, you’re a newbie. The more successful you get, the bigger your name becomes and the smaller the title gets. The goal for crime writers is for your name to take up 7/8ths of the cover and for the title to be so small it’s only visible through an electron scanning microscope.
The author’s name
This is another gauge of success. The more you sell, the bigger and bolder your surname becomes. So if you’re just starting out, your name will be printed (in teeny-weeny text) like this:
Gary Marshall
As you sell more books, the surname gets promoted and the text size gets bigger:
Gary MARSHALL
And when you’re doing brilliantly, the surname gets promoted further still while the first name gets demoted:
gary MARSHALL
Ideally the font will be Helvetica or something similar, with your first name using the lightest possible variant and the surname in the heaviest possible variant. If you have that and your surname is printed in a font size ten times bigger than your first name, the next royalty cheque should be a good ‘un.
Special text effects
If your name is printed in shiny foil or with a clear gloss laminate, or you get a gritty typeface, your publisher hopes you’ll be the next Ian Rankin but the sales figures aren’t vaguely close.
“A Chief Inspector Spanky novel”
Your publisher reckons that nobody who reads your stuff can remember who you are, and he or she hopes that putting the main character’s name on the cover will persuade the Tesco shoppers to buy your latest book. This is rarely a sign of confidence.
Are there any rules I’ve missed?
Panasodding camcorders
If you’re thinking about getting a cheap camcorder and you’re using Leopard, beware: I’m having huge problems with my El Cheapo Panasonic camera. It uses Mini DVD, which means I can’t play the discs in my Macs (they’re all slot-loading drives), so I need to connect it via USB.
Unfortunately Leopard doesn’t like Panasonic’s files (they’re .VRO format, I think) and Panasonic’s Mac software doesn’t like Leopard. So while I can connect the camera to my Mac, I can’t do anything with the video unless I convert it in MPEG Streamclip and shell out real cash money for Apple’s QuickTime MPEG plugin. Damn, blast and arse.
Supermarkets are doing great deals on HD-DVD players
Don’t buy one. HD-DVD is deader than a particularly dead dodo.
DVD Jon strikes again
Fed up with DRM and file format compatibility hassles? The entertainment industry’s favourite chap, DVD Jon, may have the answer: DoubleTwist.
As CNet reports, DoubleTwist is “a free desktop client that essentially allows any kind of music, photo, or video file to be shared between a long list of portable media players, and through Web-based social networks.”
The idea, according to DoubleTwist founder and CEO Monique Farantzos, is that media files should be more like e-mail. It shouldn’t matter what service you create the file in, or on what type of hardware, it all should work together seamlessly, she says.
The PC version is available now, and a Mac version’s in development.
EU finally does something to improve the quality of life
New EU rules could have a devastating effect on people’s ability to buy fireworks:
As part of the change, people will be told to retire at least 26ft after lighting a firework, as opposed to the current 16ft - effectively ruling out many displays at home.
But Tom Smith added: “Many people will no longer be able to use fireworks as they haven’t got 26ft of space in their gardens.”
As much as I hate unnecessary governmental meddling in people’s lives, the people round these parts who buy fireworks are ignorant, dog-frightening, baby-waking bastards. So they won’t be able to celebrate the fact it’s Tuesday by blowing things up for an hour? Oh, boo hoo.
/ thinks people who let off fireworks when it isn’t 5th November should be classified as terrorists and treated accordingly. Or at least tortured.
/may be in a bad mood tonight