Gears of waaaah

I’ve been gaming long enough to know what I will and won’t like. Generally speaking, if it involves shooting space aliens in the face I’ll like it; if it doesn’t, I probably won’t.

I’m being a bit facetious – my favourite games list includes the obvious Half-Life 2s, Mass Effects and Deus Exes, along with interesting failures such as Alan Wake – but generally speaking I enjoy fairly dumb first-person shooters and can’t be arsed with epics such as Fallout 3. The Gears of War series, then, should be right up my street: I enjoyed the first one, and kinda enjoyed the second one.

Gears of War 3, though, is one of the dullest games I’ve played for a long time.

I’m pretty sure the problem is with the game rather than me.

Games are all about suspension of disbelief, and Gears 3 keeps buggering that up. It’s got far too many cutscenes for a game whose entire plot can be summarised as “you must shoot space aliens in the face”, and those cutscenes keep grabbing control from you: instead of big action scene/short cinematic/big action scene, the rhythm is more short action scene/overlong cinematic/short action scene. In one section, having sat through a cinematic, you get to shoot two things twice before – yes! – another cinematic.

The risible dialogue, cliched banter and general tedium of the cutscenes wouldn’t be so bad if the combat rocked, but it doesn’t. The weapons don’t have any heft to them – I’m fresh to this from playing Deus Ex:HR, where shotguns kicked, machine guns rattled and rocket launchers boomed. Even through a decent amp and fairly loud speakers, the guns feel and sound like peashooters.

Then there are the bosses, something that also marred DX:HR. The “giant boss with a single vulnerable point who charges at you and crushes you if you don’t move fast enough” boss-fight is a pain in the arse in any game, but it’s particularly annoying in Gears. The boss bits just go on forever, requiring no skill beyond the ability to keep playing past the point of utter tedium.

Last but not least, there’s the problem of your squad. If like me you’re crap at games, Gears 3 feels as if it’s playing itself: by the time you’ve got your sorry arse down to the main field of battle, your artificially intelligent squadmates have already turned the space monsters to mince.

Taken together, the feeling I get playing the game is of disconnection: no matter what buttons I press or triggers I pull, the game is happening entirely without my involvement, and nothing I do is of any consequence.

I get enough of that in the real world.

Sesame Street plus Kinect? Count me in

This has the potential to be brilliant: a Sesame Street game for wee kids developed by Double Fine, which describes itself as “The World’s most talented and bearded video game development team, headed by Tim Schafer!”

If you’re a parent of young children and you have an iOS device, the Sesame Street app Elmo’s Monster Maker [iTunes link] is a hoot.

LA Noire: not Grand Theft Ellroy after all

You know that LA Noire game? I’ve got it. It’s rubbish.

Well, maybe not rubbish. Tedious and annoying might be a better way to put it. The facial capture technology is extraordinary, but that’s about it. I was hoping for Grand Theft Ellroy, XBLA Confidential, but I just got bored.

A more intelligent critique from the inimitable Richard Cobbett is over here:

…oh, LA Noire can be a painful game. Let’s start with Cole Phelps himself, deeply unlikeable guy that he is. He’s 80% the most tedious square in the history of heroes, with the other 20% mostly squidged together like some kind of chimera made from utter, total dicks. Every single ‘mistake’ I have made in this whole game has been a direct result of Phelps being either a moron or an asshole, and usually both.

Panorama and videogames

Last night’s Panorama programme – the BBC’s flagship current affairs show – was dedicated to the evils of videogames. I haven’t seen it, but I do know that John Walker of Rock, Paper, Shotgun is an eminently reasonable and trustworthy writer, so I’m linking to this piece he wrote about it.

I believe that there is a real risk for those who use gaming to compensate for other negative factors in their lives, and for those whose gaming becomes problematic for any reason. I believe that these matters deserve to be taken seriously. It is to be treated with severity. This sort of scaremongering endangers such people by mis-labelling.

For example:

We move on to the tragic story of the Korean couple who let their baby die through neglect, as they spent their time gaming. We get told that they both had “low IQs” and that both suffered from “depression”, but both those factors are ignored because as a result of their circumstances they spent too much time playing Prius Online. “She was mentally not that stable to begin with,” explains a doctor at the clinic that treated the mother. But this isn’t an episode about mental illness leading to the deaths of babies. It’s about gaming causing it. Gaming caused it.

I agree entirely with John: so many people play games that it’d be strange if problematic gaming didn’t exist. However:

Until there is some evidence that gaming can create an addiction in someone otherwise undisposed to addictive behaviour, then it must be understood as a consequence of addiction, not a cause. To do otherwise is ignorant, dangerous, and harmful to the individuals. Blame it on gaming, and you’ll take away the games, leaving the person to continue suffering.

Vanquish is a very good bad game

I’ve just finished playing Vanquish, a truly demented Gears of War-style shooter. I think Eurogamer’s review is spot on.

Sure, Halo: Reach gives you a jet pack. But Vanquish gives you the ability to slide 40 yards on your knees along concrete, ducking through the legs of a giant bipedal robot while firing rockets at point-blank range into its groin.

The acting consists entirely of ham, the characters are ridiculous, the story is incomprehensible and it often feels as if somebody’s dropped a dustbin on your head and is beating it with a baseball bat, but it’s an absolute hoot.

I want to stick a rocket launcher in my magic trousers

Over at Rock, Paper, Shotgun John Walker has been publishing a list of do’s and don’ts for video games. Many of them made me laugh. Here’s the first bit. And here’s the second.

Do: let me carry more than two guns. Just when did we all decide that we weren’t okay with that element of unrealism in gaming? Sure, it can be set in the retro-future on a spaceship made of time, but god forbid we holster an improbable number of weapons. Especially if you’ll then let me carry hundreds of bits of ammo for all the weapons anywhere. Where am I storing those? In my magic trousers? And if so, why can’t I stick a pistol and a rocket launcher in there too? I want to stick a rocket launcher in my magic trousers!

Paying for girls’ attention? Isn’t there a word for that?

I’ve written a wee piece on Techradar about GameCrush, the frankly bizarre new service that will enable you to play videogames with girls, for a fee.

Paying women to talk to you? Isn’t that what the ads for HOT GRANNY ACTION in the back of movie magazines and men’s magazines are for?

Apparently not. GameCrush’s ethos is much purer than that. It’s designed to engage the brain, not engorge the groin. That’s why the girls can choose to offer chats ranging from “flirty” to “dirty” or, if they’re feeling particularly empowered, “flirty and dirty”.

Bioshock 2 made me blub

My first impression of Bioshock 2 wasn’t great. Turns out my first impression was completely wrong. I ended up agreeing with this chap [spoiler alert].

This game had a profoundly moving effect on me. The ending – my ending, the one that reflected my values – resonated deeply. As the father of a 2-year-old daughter, my journey through Rapture touched on my fears and aspirations for her in ways I never expected from a game. That experience lingers, and I’m grateful for it.

Google, Apple and Microsoft. It’s war!

A fun wee piece I wrote for PC Plus has ventured online:

Back in the good old days, Microsoft did desktops, Google stuck to search and Apple made toys for people in polo necks. No more.

The superpowers of the technology world are at war, and like real wars, the battle is happening on several fronts. They’re fighting on the desktop, they’re fighting on mobile phones, they’re fighting in the browser and they’re fighting in your front room.

Who will prevail, and who will end up in a bunker?

Modern Warfare 2: let’s be adults about this

As you might have heard, Modern Warfare 2 – which comes out today – includes a bit where you’re doing terrorist things. It’s causing a bit of controversy, and of course I have an opinion on that.

What we’re seeing here is something much more interesting than mere headline chasing: it’s a dramatic example of how videogames are trying to grow up.

If we want our games to grow up with us, we need to be grown up in the way we react to them – and that includes dumping the “we must protect the children” crap when games come with an 18 certificate specifically saying they’re not suitable for kids.