Stuff and nonsense
US VP debate rick-rolled
I know rickrolling is soooooo six months ago, but this still made me laugh (screengrab via Fark):
Thoughts on EasyJet’s Speedy Boarding service
When you fly, it’s traditional for two groups of people to board first: people with mobility problems, because they need extra time/assistance to get on the plane; and parents of very young children, so that everybody else can avoid sitting anywhere near them. This is particularly important on evening flights, where the children are up way past their bedtimes and they express their displeasure in the only way they know how: yelling.
In its great wisdom, though, EasyJet has changed the Natural Order Of Things with Speedy Boarding, a service designed for… well, bastards, really. If you pay a couple of quid extra for SB, you board *before* the people with mobility issues and *before* the parents, smiling smugly at them as you breeze past.
If it weren’t for the smug smiles, they’d probably get away with it. But they don’t, because even the most sleep-deprived parent is still capable of remembering a face for ten minutes. So we take a mental note of the smuggest speedy boarders, and when we get on the plane we make a conscious effort to put our overtired, overstimulated, teething babies in the seat immediately behind them.
Of course, not every parent can arrange this. Some of them are further back in the cabin. But they can still play their part. Because the smuggest Speedy Boarders sit right at the front of the plane, guess where the parents of the screamiest babies go to try and rock their little darlings to sleep? Yep!
That SB on your ticket? It stands for Screaming Baby. In your face!
[Tangent: if EasyJet actually dimmed the cabin lights at night and refrained from yelling "BUY THINGS!" messages through the intercom every ten seconds, the babies might actually sleep. But instead, you get a chain reaction: one baby gets furious because it wants to sleep and can't, and all the other babies get upset by it. Which is shit for the babies, shit for the parents and shit for everybody else on the plane. Nice one, Stelios.]
Back in a bit
I’ll be away all next week. More ranting when I get back.
“RealPlayer: like the Black Death, but made of software”
Feeling ranty? Techradar’s just uploaded “48 things we hate about tech“, which enabled yours truly to cheer himself up by being nasty about things. Any I’ve missed?
Don’t buy a phone from a place called Dick
A customer was shocked to find pornographic images on a mobile phone she had just purchased, even more so when she discovered they were of employees from the store where she had bought it.
The Australian university student was given an ex-demonstration model as it was the last in the Dick Smith Electronics shop…
Your future’s orange
My god, this is brilliant. And by brilliant, I mean rubbish.
The Hirer: If you only watch one shoddy online Apprentice rip-off today…
Fake Bake is at an exciting stage on the cusp of development into Niche Markets worldwide so the job isn’t for the faint hearted. Jim is looking forward to seeing the talent coming through and listening to pitches to see if there really is raw hunger, eager to succeed individuals out there to join us and be a part of this growing global organisation.
According to the Herald:
Where Sir Alan offers the winner of each series £100,000 to work for him for a year, the Fake Bake hiree can expect “a competitive five-figure salary and comprehensive benefits package”.
Ten grand and all the fake tan you can eat?
[Thanks, Heather]
Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
Fresno County authorities have arrested a man they say broke into the home of two farmworkers, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.
[Via MetaFilter]
You can’t leave that lion there
A police operation launched following reports that a lion was loose in north Belfast has been called off after the animal turned out to be a stray dog.
Unsolicited social networking status updates advice
If you’re telling everybody you’re far too busy to do something really important, and you’re linked to them on Facebook, it’s probably a bad idea to spend days uploading cute photos, sending people virtual beers, joining “I like badgers!” groups and generally dicking about. BECAUSE THEY CAN SEE YOU! THEY CAN SEE YOU!
You’re welcome.
What people search for. Oh my [language NSFW]
It’s always amusing - and occasionally depressing - to have a look at your website stats to see how people arrived. Here’s some of the search strings that landed people here:
IR camera see through which fabrics
I may be small I may look sweet ringtone
Free zoo porn
Jade Goody
Fucking Japan Giles
Man has 2 dicks
Angelina Parenting
Men shaging wemen
Men who like to be dildoed
Scottish bukkake
Nightshot infrared see through clothes
Roy chubby brown dad fuck off black
Gary tits
On a brighter note, if you’ve ever wondered whether you should post stuff you’ve learnt - such as rants about health things you’ve experienced, or problems you’ve had with specific companies - the answer appears to be “yes, you should”. Blog posts about things I’ve dealt with (travelling with babies, dealing with colic, run-ins with particular companies…) are being read too, often by more people than the ones searching for cameras that can see through clothes or men with two dicks.