A letter from Butlin’s made me laugh

This was on the envelope:

“Nothing else is worse than going to the cinema”

Luv & Hat is a funny blog by Stuart Heritage, who writes for The Guardian, and Robyn Wilder, who is a woman. Each post takes a single subject and one of the duo praises it while the other damns it. Today’s post on cinemas made me laugh.

Nothing else is worse than going to the cinema. Nothing else in the world. Having a nosebleed is better than going to the cinema. Falling down the stairs is better than going to the cinema. Catching a sexually transmitted disease from a zoo animal, then drinking a pint of someone else’s sick and then taking a naked tour of a wasp factory while a crying pensioner describes the last ten minutes of Requiem For a Dream to you in graphic detail is better than going to the cinema. The subtext of this paragraph is that I don’t really like going to the cinema very much.

A visit from Bat Hound

My daughter is a little bit obsessed with the Cartoon Network’s Krypto The Superdog, a cartoon caper featuring the titular Krypto – Superman’s childhood pet, apparently – and Ace the Bat Hound, who goes up against the Joker’s hyenas and various other supervillains’ super pets.

It’s funny stuff, but the funniest thing of all is that my daughter *becomes* Bat Hound. Her eyes become slits, her back straightens and her voice thickens. If you’ve ever wondered what Christian Bale’s Batman would be like if he were a dog played by a three-year-old girl, then my house is the place to find out.

As a result of all of this, I was woken the other day from a perfectly pleasant late afternoon nap to discover Ace the Bat Hound on my bed. “Time to get up, daddy,” the Bat Hound snarled. I said something groggily, and the Bat Hound’s eyes became narrower still. “Time. To. Get. Up.” And with a swish of a cloak – actually a pink raincoat, its hood hooked over a three-year-old’s forehead – the Bat Hound moved to the end of the bed. Two front paws were raised, superhero-style, and a single command was barked: “Doggy slide!” And then the Bat Hound was gone.

Children are weird.

“The bicycle is a parody of a wheeled vehicle—a donkey cart without the cart, where you do the work of the donkey”

PJ O’Rourke writes about bikes.

Even Dublin, Ireland, has had portions of its streets set aside for bicycles only—surely unnecessary in a country where everyone’s car has been repossessed.

The kids are all right

I did an interesting thing last week: I was asked to be one of the judges at the Glasgow “celebration and assessment day” of Go4SET, which aims to make school pupils more interested in science, technology, engineering and maths.

It was a bit like a science fair: S2 pupils had been given the task of researching and designing an eco-friendly classroom, so there were display stands and models illustrating various bright ideas.

What really struck me was the intelligence and confidence of the kids. Even the ones with crippling shyness bordering on outright terror – and boy, do I know what that feels like – did a sterling job of explaining their projects to and answering questions from the judges, not all of whom were as cool and groovy as me. Heh.

I think that as you get older, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of assuming kids of today got no respect, that music they listen to isn’t proper music, look at the way they wear their trousers and the language, oh the language, kids weren’t like that in my day I blame the teachers… all that shite. Kids are kids. Some good, some bad, some absolutely bloody brilliant.

Friday’s lot were in the “bloody brilliant” category.

Red hot chilli poppers

I bought some habanero chillies the other day. Here’s how you’re supposed to prepare them.

* Cut them open
* De-seed them
* Toast them
* Soak them in just-boiled water

Here’s how I prepared them.

* Cut them open
* De-seed them
* Watch with mild interest as clouds of smoke come from the chillies in the pan
* Stand in the kitchen, coughing like I’ve got late-stage tuberculosis
* Turn the cooker hood on full blast
* Career around the kitchen, coughing and weeping
* Blink away the tears as my wife enters, clutching her throat and panicking that she’s having some kind of horrific allergic reaction
* Open the back door in a desperate attempt to dispel the fumes
* Soak the chillies in just-boiled water
* Wonder if I’ll ever be able to speak again
* Eat!

There’s such a thin line between “making lunch” and “suffering a chemical attack”.

So I thought I’d try something a bit simpler…

Long-time readers will know that every year or so, I get fed up with the way this blog looks. I thought this time out minimalism was the way to go, which is why I’m trying this particular WordPress theme.

What do you think?

That’s hand-y

After a long time thinking about it I finally dug out my copy of Logic Studio and listened to the last bunch of demos I did in 2007. And they’re pretty good – good enough that I’m quite excited about recording some stuff and mucking around with music again.

So it’s just great that my left hand seems to be following my right and developing carpal tunnel syndrome.

Aaaagh!

Merry Christmas, everyone

Thanks for making me laugh so much this year, folks. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a very happy New Year.

On the Internet, everyone talks like Apprentice contestants

Self-serving press release it may be, but business social network LinkedIn’s list of the most overused words in online CVs amused me. So many people giving 110%.