The Martian Death Flu survival kit
Martian Death Flu – or, as it’s known to women, “the cold” – is a rubbish thing to have, especially when you work in a creative job: you’re ill enough that your brain turns to cheese, preventing you from doing any work, but you’re not ill enough to get any sympathy whatsoever. So here’s what you need to fix it.
Covonia
The second-greatest cough medicine in the world is so effective that if you take too much, you’ll end up coughing up your own legs. I say the second greatest because Co-Op chesty cough linctus is even more effective, but it tastes like death.
Cold and Flu tablets
Decongestant, paracetamol and caffeine in one alarmingly orange tablet. Isn’t living in the 21st Century brilliant?
Vicks Vapo-rub
It’s easier and cheaper than divorce, and if you’re easily amused you can pretend you’re in an early 90s rave band. If you don’t want to spend the night sleeping on the sofa, cover yourself from head to foot in this stuff before tootling off to bed.
Good brandy
With the emphasis on “good”, because cheap brandy will give you a nasty hangover without any of the benefits. Good brandy clears the pipes and gets you quite spectacularly pissed to boot.
7 Responses to “The Martian Death Flu survival kit”
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IAF on February 19th, 2008
I think you mean “testosterone-aggravated rhinoviral infection syndrome.” But I could be wrong – I often am.
Gary on February 20th, 2008
If you’re wrong, I don’t want you to be right. Because testosterone-aggravated rhinoviral infection syndrome sounds brilliant.
Gary on February 20th, 2008
That didn’t make any sense. Proof that martian death flu eats brains.
IAF on February 20th, 2008
Trust me, I’m a genetic engineer…..
Tony Kiernan on February 20th, 2008
There has to be another word to slip in there to get a good acronym. All I can think of is TARDIS, though and I’m not that geeky.
Squander Two on February 20th, 2008
Testosterone-aggravated rhinoviral disastrous infection syndrome?
Tony Kiernan on February 20th, 2008
Yay! 100% pathetically male.
Anti-spam: spleen.